Narcissistic Personality Disorder and How You Can Heal From Its Effects

I’ve been on a mission lately to learn all that I can about narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Being a part of the wedding industry has exposed me to all sorts of people, whose emotions, hang-ups and insecurities run the gamut.  I have also found myself running into people with NPD characteristics over and over again in my own life.  I wanted to understand why this was the case so that I could put an end to it once and for all.

I stumbled across the following list of NPD personality traits on a funny, tongue-and-cheek, yet highly informative blog called thepsychospere.com. See below if these apply to anyone in your life.

NPD is diagnosed when someone meets five or more of the following nine criteria:

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
3. Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
4. Requires excessive admiration.
5. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.
6. Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.
7. Lacks empathy:  is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

Luckily, I’ve only ever attracted well-adjusted clients (hooray!). Sometimes, however, I can sense strong personalities in parents, sisters, guests and even other vendors. How we approach and handle high-pressure situations vary. No matter what type of stress you or someone you are working alongside is under, I think it’s important to stay mindful and empathetic about the source of the other person’s shortness. Unless someone has full blown NPD, he/she probably is not being jerky intentionally. Yesterday, I stumbled across this hilarious post on psychosphere that better describes my sentiment.

I am not going to pretend to be a psychotherapist or any sort of expert in the field of NPD. The work of Dr. Karyl McBride really hit home for me and spells out how NPD can affect relationships. Her book, Will I Ever Be Good Enough, Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, describes to a “T” exactly how narcissism causes serious, long-lasting emotional harm to children as they grow and develop into adults. If left untreated, the narcissism you were exposed to growing up endangers your sense self/worth, leads to co-dependency or dependency in relationships and leaves you feeling empty or never good enough inside.

I am happy to report that neither one of my parents have NPD. But I now recognize the traits in some of the people I was exposed to regularly as a child- how impressionable I was, how easy it was for me to be such a target for bullying  and why I can’t stop myself from feeling ‘less than’ or guilty around others.

If you found that you’ve grown up in such an environment, I highly recommend Dr. McBride’s self-healing book. Dr. McBride even goes as far as to give you a step-by-step outline on how to address and recover from the childhood pain you experienced and break the cycle in your ever after. You can stop attracting unhealthy relationships and know what it’s like to feel good about yourself. The recovery process she outlines does not sound easy and may take (a long) time to complete. But it’s so worth it. You’re worth it.

Of course, allowing your light to shine is your soul’s calling. You need to have confidence in yourself, to work hard, to own your talents, share your gifts and be the absolute best you can be. Marianne Williamson’s quote says it best… and manages to bring me to tears every time I take a moment and digest the words.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I hope you decide to check back in for subsequent posts. I will be sharing insight on the real traits one should look for in a life-partner as well as a coping strategy on how to deal with your narcissistic mother during the wedding planning process.

Feeling So Grateful

I love yoga. I love to relax. I used to be a lover of running until I was introduced to bootcamp a few months back. I’ve learned that strong is the new skinny and happiness is truly your number one ally if you want to stay young.

I love my clients and love being indispensable to my couples. I’m not sure why I get so much enjoyment out of wedding planning as it is definitely NOT for the faint of heart. But my soul is satiated when I go home knowing that I’ve done a good job and that my couples are happy.

I love my husband. I love him a lot! I love that he knows how to fix everything around the house and makes me feel safe. I love that we laugh at exactly the same things and share inside jokes. We bicker every now and then. But we resolve our issues quickly. Neither one of us are the “grudge-holding” types.

Speaking of family, I love our new cat, Whitney…. yes, named after THAT Whitney. It’s kind of corny to admit, but this little creature has brought so much joy into our lives with her cute face and spunky personality. I love chasing her around the house and cuddling up next to her in front of the TV.

I love my stepchildren too. I know our relationship is still evolving, but they’ve taught me so much about flexibility and compassion.

I love my parents. They’ve sacrificed so much to allow me and my brother and I a chance in this amazing first-world country. I am eternally grateful for that. My bother is pretty cool too. I love his humor. Did you know he got me a Golden Girls T-shirt for Christmas this past year? And my husband received an ‘I Like Turtles‘ one.

I love sharing any new-found knowledge, anecdotes, funny jokes, inspiring stories or messages of love with the world and love connecting with people  – both new and old through Facebook! It’s awe-inspiring how technology has transformed the way we work, communicate and do things.

I love feeling like the possibilities are endless. My wish is that everyone will learn to be kinder to themselves. Judgement of others would cease if we could just forgive all of our own mistakes.

It’s good to be grateful, to celebrate being alive and to hold close everyone that is important to you. I hope you all feel the same too! XO